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First things first, you have to give blowjobs. Like, all the time. And
you have to talk about giving blowjobs to your girlfriends on the bleachers
at the baseball diamond. This trashy girl asked me if I ever gave a blowjob
and I said no, I was thirteen, and she cut me off and said she swallowed
the cum and it tasted like salt. I asked if she would get pregnant and she
looked up and to the left like she had no idea and went, “Um, no.
It’s in my tummy. And besides, I am on my period now.” She had
a dirty backyard too and I almost stepped on a soiled diaper.
You have to have a dirty backyard if you want to be a small town slut.
Back to blowjobs. Now, we have all heard of a girl who gave some guy a
blowjob in front of his buddies after he threw a blanket on her head. This
is truly something to aspire to. Especially if she’s doin’ it
for weed.
Discrete Slut Handjobs
I know I’ve jumped the gun and went straight to blowjobs but still,
a handjob is where it all begins (after french-kissing) and is quite essential
in the mastering of one’s craft.
You can’t be shy. You can’t have shame. You have to grab crotch.
Lean against those hydro boxes, (in America you fucks probably don’t
understand what this is, you see, Canada has three million lakes. That’s
how we have electricity and the like. We have all these green power boxes
in the suburbs and we sit on them and smoke weed even when it’s cold
out. Anyway.) Lean against those hydro boxes and take out his dick and spit
on your hand and move it around all over the place. He’s probably
baked and shy and insecure of being a high school dropout. Really, he’s
romantic and has a big burning crush on you but still, he will be forced
to tell all his friends about your shitty handjob.
This is a good thing because then everyone will know you are a slutface
and will invite you over to smoke weed in the hopes of a handjob.
Discrete Slut Being felt up
Ok, I don’t know what fucking show you use to watch or what novels
you’ve read, but no one says “being felt up,” ever!
I don’t know what we say. Probably “Oh, I grabbed her tits”
or “I sucked her boobs.”
Whatever.
That’s just uncomfortable and boring most times because you have
to look down at this loser trying to get you all hot by gently nipping at
your under-developed nubbies and now he’s seen your dirty, shit bra.
The only good thing about having your tits sucked is you get to hold your
soda and your smoke and you don’t have to do anything but wait for
him to get a boner and then you can go to town on it.
Discrete Slut Kissing
You have to use your tongue, there is no question about it unless he knows
you’re super trash and wants to go straight to a blowjob.
This is fine.
If you want him to fall in love with you, you might want to put some hot
breath action on his ear and make your voice all throaty and go, “Damn,
I wanna suck your cock so bad” or whatever dumb things you think of.
If you don’t know how to kiss you are a tardbag and should probably
stay indoors and wait until your parents bring you over to the relatives
and let your uncle make eyes at you.
Discrete Slut Brothers, friends
You have to go down on brothers and friends and everyone who knows everyone
else.
Duh.
Discrete Slut Kinkiness
I’m not even going to tell you about this because small town guys
can’t handle it. They don’t have the attention span nor staying
power to let you talk dirty to ‘em or hog-tie ‘em. Whatever.
Reserve your wild side for sugar daddies and fat men with money.
You’ll thank me later.
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